Peace. Love. Adoption.

I'm starting to understand why it takes me so long inbeween each blog. It takes an unbelieveably amount of mental power and emotional turmoil for me to relive these memories and remember the emotions. However, no matter how much pain it takes to write about the experience, I MUST write about it. It helps me recognize how much I have grown and all that I have learned.

 First, let me start by saying how much I love adoptions. It's the reason why I went into social work, long before I even knew about my infertility. Owning an adoption agency continues to be another dream of mine. After getting enmeshed in the adoption world, I realized there were a few policies I would love to either change or strengthen.

In May 2014, we were tagged in a Facebook post by my sister's childhood friend who saw an agency (Premier Adoptions-fantastic adoption agency, and one I would recommend over any other) looking for a couple to adopt a baby girl, due in August 2014. We read the brief description of the birth parents-Caucasian father and a half black, half Filipino mother...hello!!! It screamed our names. Since the mother was due really soon, they requested that all interested parents send in their profiles and home studies as soon as possible, we had neither. I contacted my good friend Kim, who is one of the founders of Utah Adoption Specialist (if  you ever  need a home study done, this is the agency!! They are experienced , affordable, and just wonderful), and I told her about my situation. She said it usually takes about a month or so to get the home studies done because there's a lot of paper work and a physical that are required, not to mention the home study itself. That night, I also went to the store, printed out hundreds of random pictures, and bought a bunch of craft paper for our adoption profile. I hear most are done through online scrapbooks, such as Shutterfly, but "ain't nobody got time for that!" We needed a profile done immediately, so I cut and glued pictures like crazy. The team at Utah Adoption Specialist were on point! We had our profile and home study signed and delivered to the adoption agency within a week.   We were told  that the couple was already looking at profiles,  but  they would sneak ours in.

A couple weeks past,  and I  received an email informing  us that the  birth mother narrowed it down to us and one other couple, and she wanted to  meet over  the  phone. My heart sank. As  you may know  from  my  previous post, talking on the phone  is not my strength, so  Tyler helped  prep  my speaking skills. Surprisingly, the first phone call we had with them went so well. We found out the birth mother and I had more in common! In addition to our matching ethnicities, she is also from Washington state and loves the Seahawks. The birthday father is from a smaller town and loves to fish, just like Tyler. We spoke on the phone for quite sometime, and the case worker who was listening in on the call with us was so impressed with how well the interview went. After the phone call, we called our families who were all anxiously texting and calling while we were on the phone with the birth parents.

Again, weeks went by, and they still hadn't picked between the two couples, so we had another phone interview. This one was an absolute painful disaster. The birthmother was not impressed with us one bit! We were yelled at by her several times throughout the call. We still weren't picked yet, but she had different ideas regarding our readiness and questioned us as parents. She asked what names we picked out, and we told her we haven't picked out a name, then she insulted us with the names we liked. We were both 25 and were doubted due to our young age. She then asked us what the nursery looked like, and she was more than turned off by the fact that we didn't have a nursery put together yet. We both explained that we have the bad habit of getting overly excited each time we got close to being parents, so this time we didn't want to get our hopes up, especially since she still had not verbally told us that she wanted us to be her baby's parents. We informed her the second we are given the word, the house would have a nursery and would be baby-proofed. Boy, was that the wrong answer! She yelled at us, telling us we always need to be prepared for let downs and rejections, it's how we as humans "learn and grow". I bit my tongue so hard, I swore I drew blood. How dare she tell us this?! Like we were crazy for protecting our hearts and not getting our hopes up too soon. As though we don't know what let downs felt like? Did she consider that my miscarriages felt like the world was rejecting me each time? Or better yet, getting into adoptions, knowing we could possibly get rejected? After she had said that, she didn't let us fit another word in. The phone call was actually lost, and the case worker called us back to apologize for how rude she was to us. She was able to talk to the birth mother before calling us to let her know she thought she was out of line, but the birth mother thought the call went great...we didn't know which phone call she was talking about because we both felt like failures. However, she asked to meet us in person over dinner.

In that same week, we signed on our first home, and moved in right away. We thought it would be more conducive for us and children. Our space more than doubled, it has a fenced in backyard, and a neighborhood full of little children for our babies to play with. 

The next week, dinner was amazing. We met both the mother and father at Red Lobster. We were there for hours, as the conversations never stopped. She was stunning, and he was so handsome. They were a married couple who had both been through some struggles with homelessness, substance use, and placing four other children in the past. They both stated, they are extremely fertile with the inability to parent. During our conversation, the question about the baby's name was brought up again, the this time she requested that she name the baby. We thought being parents was more important to us than the name, so we agreed reluctantly. When she stated the name, our mouths dropped...it was six names long! We awkwardly smiled. The husband also brought up some weird questions about the openness of the adoption. I am all for open adoptions as long as the baby and birth parents aren't confused with who the parents are. He invisioned still allowing her to stay the night with them on weekends when she gets older and treat them more like aunts and uncles. We thought that was a little too open for us. Other than those two subjects, the conversations were really fun. I felt as though we were talking to two friends we knew from the past. They were very proud of us for buying a house, and we congratulated him for getting a job. 

The week after dinner, we were still waiting for her to give us an answer. We were anxious because she was due in less than a month, and I felt we were crunched for time. In that time, we also found out how much the adoption was going to cost us, as there was some misunderstandings in the beginning. On average, birth mother living expenses cost $5,000-$7,000. This birth mother more than doubled this cost, making it close to $16,000 alone. Therefore, altogether the cost was going to be $31,000. We thought it was outrageous because she had only been in contact with the agency at five months pregnant, so we were confused when we found out she needed $16k for the last four months of her pregnancy. The agency also told us they had to cut her off because she was still requesting money for various things. I wondered if she considered the money she was cleaning out of our savings was money that we actually started putting away for our future children's college fund. We about died. I remember crying for hours as Tyler was trying to gather information on getting loans for adoptions. Our families were rockstars! The Molyneaux family held an ice cream fundraiser at the camp grounds, the Davidsons were selling vehicles and other belongings to raise money, and the Browns were willing to write checks and donate things as well. The agency worked out a deal with us informing us that we didn't need to pay it all upfront, and they would allow us to pay it off before the adoption was finalized. 

Finally, one Sunday, the case worker called us and asked if it was okay to conference in the birth parents. We wouldn't turn that down. When talking to them, they asked us to be their baby's parents. I felt numb, instead of estactic. Our families were elated, and Tyler was so relieved. 

This next message is something I've never shared with anyone, not even Tyler, and I even questioned whether or not I should include it. Here goes-After they gave us an answer, something just didn't feel right. I was so excited that they picked us, but I had the strangest feeling that I wouldn't meet this baby girl. I kept trying to picture us at the hospital, but I just couldn't picture it. I thought maybe because it all just seems so surreal that I was going to bring home a baby after waiting all this time. There were times I would hold our nephew, Drayze, and spend a whole day with him, but feel such a deep saddness. I kept questioning if I could ever love this baby girl as much as I love Drayze. Then I hated myself for already being a terrible mother. I remember talking to Morgan, I asked her if she felt nervous about being a mother. She explained that she had the same feelings-wondering if she could be good enough, if she could love another human enough. Then she said, the second she saw Drayze, she knew there wasn't a thing in the world that she wouldn't do for him. She had me in tears. I felt human. I felt like it was only motherly instinct that I was feeling, rather than feeling as though I wasn't going to be enough.

Back to my story-We rushed and traded in my two door car for a four door, even though we both weren't really into the car we picked. We just knew we needed something that could get a car seat in and out more conveniently. The week before the baby was due, my mother cancelled her trip to Seattle, and interviewed for a job in Provo to be closer to us and the baby. Tyler, Michelle, Deveny, Grandma Barb, Ryan, and myself went up north to shop like crazy for the baby. The Tipettes, Berrys, and Neals were donating necessities, such as cribs, pack-and-plays, swings, clothes, etc. Finally, the Sunday before Jeff, Michelle, Deveny, Glessie, Debo, Kyle, and Ty and myself knocked out a nursery quicker than anyone has seen, I guarauntee it! It was such a cute nursery, even though we made trip after trip to Wal-Mart and Home Depot. The final touch to the nursery was the bookself I just had to have in my baby's room.  That night as I was putting the last shelf on, I received the phone call. The case worker, Lorie Jo, asked both of us to sit down, and the tone of her voice said it all. The parents called off the adoption. She explained the father texted her as she was on the way to their place to explain that they were keeping the baby. Lorie Jo continued driving to their house, to find that they weren't answering the door. They also weren't returning her phone calls or texts. It seemed as though they just took off. Lorie Jo was just sick and heartbroken for us. The nursery room remained shut for weeks. I couldn't even glance inside.

Again, I was in pain-hurt, miserable, embarrassed, rejected, you name it. My faith in God started to vanish more than ever before. I was so angry with Him. Why would he allow me to get this close again? I felt like he was teasing me. I was upset that I ignored that feeling of unease when we were selected. Why were were selected, all just to get our hearts broken? I cried for days.  I was so embarrassed to even be seen or go back to work. I was distant from the world. I couldn't stand to even look at Tyler. I felt like I was the one killing him, although he never let it show that he was upset. He's such a sweetheart, he never lets me see his weak side, only his strength. I was confined to my bed one day, the day I knew the baby was due. I laid in bed, and every inch of my body was aching. I laid wondering if I would ever be a mother, and the thought alone made me sick. I couldn't turn on the TV, as the sounds of others laughing only made me more sick. I wondered if I should just leave and not ever come back. I wanted to start a new life. I wanted Tyler to leave me, as I felt I was the cause of his pain, and I knew he deserved better. I didn't want to be selfish anymore, and "force" him to stay married to me just because I needed him more than anything. When I brought this up to him, he said something that made me fall in love with him even more and stuck with me, "Being a father wasn't my dream, my dream is you. Having babies with you is just an added bonus". 

My family, Tyler's side and mine, are always wondering why we leave them out of the loops so often when it comes to our infertility. This experience verified why I choose to keep them in the dark. My heart broke for them more than it did for me. Because they are the most incredible people and family anyone could ask for, they become so invested in us being parents. They loved that baby before they even saw her. When I saw and heard in their voices the pain they felt, I became so revengeful towards the birth parents. How could they do this to them? I don't think they could even fathom how many people were already involved and invested in this baby.

I couldn't be mad at them, though. I can't be mad at people who want to try parenting and who felt a connection to their child. I try to think the best in people, but something was unsettling about what they did. I hope my next sentence is just an assumption, and if it is, then I'll take full responsibility for what I say. I have to believe there was some alternative motive that they had when getting in contact with the agency. I really hope this is wrong, and that they didn't intend to get good people invested in their child, all to lead them on and break their hearts. They definitely put us through a lot during and after the process, but I have to let go of the pain. I still think of their baby girl quite often, and all I can hope is that she is healthy, safe, and happy, no matter where she is in the world. I also think of the birth parents as well. I hope they're at peace with their decision because that would help me be at peace as well. I also hope they are able to do everything they can to better themselves, so in turn, they are bettering their baby.

I want to thank Lorie Jo at Premier Adoptions, and I think she definitely needs a raise after working with this energetic and unpredictable couple. She was so patient and amazing. I also want to thank Premier Adoptions for being so compassionate with us, and for contacting us after the fact to make sure we were doing alright. 

I know now that we were never meant to be her parents. It took me awhile to accept this fact. After experiencing this failed adoption, it took me awhile to believe in myself again, as a mother. I know within my heart that everything happens for a reason, and I refuse to believe that this is a sign that I should give up or that I will never be a mother. As much as it pains me to think of her, I'm so blessed to have gone through this experience. I often think about what might have been, what it would be like to go home from the hospital, to use our adorable nursery. Then, I realize I cannot allow the "what if's" slow me down, rather, motivate those "what if's" to become my reality. Again, it opened my eyes to all that I have learned and the strength that both Tyler and I have inside of us. It further promotes me to try even harder and to love more.

I can't end this post without leaving a picture of Dixie girl. Tyler bought her for me after our adoption failed. She's the biggest sweetheart, just like her dad.