July 3, 2013 became a day that I will repeatedly live as an ailing memory. I think my subconsciousness overtook my body, and somehow my optimistic attitude was slowly fading away. I woke up in an awful mood, to the point of insulting Tyler. That morning, we were going to see our baby's heartbeat at 12 weeks, and this day should've started out blissful. Nonetheless, I was upset, Tyler was upset, and we walked into the clinic not really speaking to each other. As the doctor entered the room, he started the ultrasound, and Tyler turned on the camera ready to film. I didn't look at the screen right away, but looked at the nurse who was already giving me the pity look, the doctor looked at me and back at the screen, and Tyler turned the camera off, then sat back in his chair. The doctor said there was no more heartbeat, and the rest of the conversation was a blur. The next thing I remember, was being back in my street clothes, with the nurse hugging me, apologzing. I didn't cry until  I was almost home, in fact, the highway seemed so blurry and distant, even though I was driving on it. I opened my front door to see the "surprise" gifts and that disheartening book scattered throughout my living room. I laid in bed and cried. I screamed and begged for an answer. It was an out-of-body experience. I swear, I was watching myself from a distance laying in agony, crying, suddenly wanting everything to end. I called Tyler, who had to go to work after the ultrasound, and asked him to come home. He was home immediately, and held me in our bed as I begged for God to release me of my pain. Tyler suffers in silence, and I felt a few of his heartbreaking tear drops hit my skin. 

I laid in bed wanting this to fast-forward. I knew the pain was immense, and in time, life would bring more comfort. I just wanted to bypass the immensity, and feel at ease with all of this. I also Googled the first therapist in Utah County and scheduled an appointment. My face was swollen from crying, but Tyler felt it necessary that we stay occupied throughout the day. He got me out of bed, and took me out to eat; we ate in silence. After leaving the restaurant, we were rear-ended. Just our luck, right?! I got out of the car and swore a few times, asking why of all days this would happen. That night, we also met Tyler's mother, grandmother, sisters, and newborn nephew at the mall. We put on a brave face, and went about the day. I have developed mastery skills in masking my pain, but nothing hurt worse than being in intense pain, and not being able to express it. The following day was the 4th of July, and the day our nephew, Drayze, was blessed at the family barbeque. Tyler told me several times we didn't have to attend if it was going to be too hard for me, but Drayze means the world to us, and we wanted to be there. 

I was tough throughout the day, faking my smile. Once the fireworks went off, so did the tears. I thought about how at this time everyone was supposed to know I was pregnant, I thought of the ultrasound,  how I was still pregnant without a heartbeat, I thought that the worst has yet to come...the miscarriage, I questioned why my life has come to this, and how Tyler and I remain baby-less. As the tears became more and more dramatic, I knew there was no way of hiding this from his family. It was only a matter of time before his aunt and mother were pulling me away from Tyler, holding me, asking what was wrong. My only response at first was, "I'm going to have another miscarriage". 

I took the next few days off work to mourn, but the next day was the hardest for me because Tyler had to go back to work. Loneliness brought on a whole new meaning to me. For the first time, depression and self harm made sense to me. Not that I ever tried to hurt myself, but the thought of taking away pain...it all just made sense. Trying to joggle school, work, an internship, and a miscarriage seemed completely insane to me. I begged Tyler to let me drop out, but he wasn't having it. I never built up the courage to tell my professors that I needed more time on my assignments because a part of me still felt ashamed that I was about to have miscarriage #2, and I felt weakness because I needed more time to complete assignments. Nonetheless, I completed my assignments, and I still don't get how I did it all. My emotions were more than I could handle, but one thing that helped was studying social work and mental health, while struggling with my own health. Although my cohort never knew what I went through, being surrounded with people who naturally care for people, while learning how to help those who are suffering was so beneficial to me. 

I believe my greatest step in healing came from a phone call I received from my mother. She's never been one to express her emotions easily, let alone be overly affectionate. She called me one day and very softly in her crying voice said, "You guys will get through this". I knew she once had a miscarriage, but she never went into detail until this day. She believes her miscarriage was caused by the state of mind she was in during her marriage. My father had done some terrible things to her, and stress overcame her. She told me she was alone, and during her miscarriage, the only thing that kept her going were her then three babies. I knew she wasn't telling me this to have any kind of pity or rub it in that she was already a mother at this time. She wanted me to realize how much support we had, and our support system will not let us give up. After I got off the phone with her, I tearfully laid next to my husband who had decided to take some days off work with me and made a childish campout in our living room, where we slept for weeks after our ultrasound watching series after series on Netflix. We had a copious amount of family members who were praying, fasting, and putting our names in the LDS temple, we had friends and bosses who called/texted just to see how we were holding up, we had people offering to bring us whatever we needed.  

I think I convinced others that I was mentally sick beyond my own awareness. My miscarriage didn't come right away, but I refused to have a D & C. I wanted to continue being motherly because I knew it wouldn't last forever. I continued to eat really healthy, stayed away from coffee, and never drank an alcoholic beverage. I thought it was unfair for people to question my decisions when it came to this. Yes, I knew my baby was no longer living, I didn't want a D&C procedure, and I still wanted to baby my baby by making sure he or she was never exposed to anything that could cause harm while inside of me. Finally, as crazy as it drove me, I didn't want to force out my baby with a D&C. Some told me I was only hurting myself more by keeping the baby inside me. It sounds ludicrous, but at the time, I didn't feel any rush to stop my last piece of motherhood that I had at this moment. 

I never expected to wait so long for the miscarriage to come, but it took nearly three weeks. I was so confused with the long wait that I took precautions and got a second ultrasound. I battled this idea because I didn't want to reopen another wound, but I knew the worst thing they could tell me was news that I already knew. It was discovered that the baby was still very high in my uterus, which could be the reason why the process was taking so long. Later that week, I miscarried at work. I would be lying if I said I handled it well. However, I'd like to believe my support system and mental preparation eased the pain for this process. While at work, my co-workers who were near me took over my work, and encouraged me to take a few days off, which was so appreciative. I also spent a lot of time with other people during my miscarriage. Tyler and I spent time with friends, went to baseball games, did some soul searching, and did a lot of "us" time. Yes, most days took everything in me to get out of bed and proceed with my daily tasks, but I felt laying in bed in misery was not going to help my mental state. 

The day I graduated from grad school was one of my most profound days. Getting my Master's was so much more than a degree. I sat on the stage in tears realizing how far I had come, and this was one time in my life that I felt so unbelieveably proud of myself. I accomplished something that I felt was completely impossible. I felt like a damn Super Woman!  I worked full-time, went to school, and completed my internship, but most importantly, I made it through one of the most difficult times in my life; I made it through a second miscarriage. This day made anything seem possible and within reach. 

If I could reach out and help those who struggle with fertility and/or is dealing with a miscarriage, I would want them to know that the pain never goes away, so be prepared to cry for weeks, months, years after your miscarriage. Nonetheless, know that life does gets more bearable. Never be ashamed for mourning!!! Take as long as you need to mourn and grieve, and do it in your own, healthy way. Embrace and accept this pain. That sounds completely ignorant for me to even suggest, but I'm strong, and I credit my strength to all the pain and suffering I endured. I accept it because denying and putting it off would've never allowed me to fully heal.  Accept help. I felt as though I was a burden to those who offered to help, and I was too stubborn to accept help no matter how much I really needed it. Allow it! People want to help or they wouldn't offer their time. Moreover, just having people around to listen to you was so healing in itself. Which brings me to my next set of advice: Build a support group. When I needed strength, it was never too far away. My support group kept me going. Never, ever give up. Easier said than done, I know! This pain can be debilitating at times, and if allowed, it could hinder moving forward. Don't let the pain defeat you. I questioned why, why do we have to go through this. "Everything happens for a reason". This has always been my life's explanation. I don't know why we had to experience this, and I still believe it's not fair. I'm growing from this, I'm stronger because of this, I found a purpose in this, and I want to make something out of this situation. I want to help others, as a matter of fact, I've developed more of a passion to help those who go through infertility. Don't let this define you. I felt so less feminine and always put myself down for being infertile. I felt as though I couldn't accomplish why I was chosen to be a female. I had to end this thought process because I am more than just an infertile person. I'm a strong woman, who wants to help empower other women, and I am a mother! I'm a mother to babies who are in a beautiful place. Appreciate everything and everyone. I could not have asked for a better husband. If I had to go through all of this, I am so lucky to have him. He deserves the world, to be a father, and he will be a damn good one, one day. I fell in love with him more after going through all this, and we bonded significantly. Finally, celebrate your baby's life! Tyler and I released balloons on the anniversary of my first miscarriage and the day our second baby was due. It added closure for me. I'll never forget them, and I want them to know that I cherished every second with them, even if for a short amount of time.

My amazing friend, Sarah Schmidt, sent me an amazing message that she received from a friend after she experienced a miscarriage. She sent it to me soon after my second miscarriage. It was sooo meaningful and touching. One of the greatest gifts of being subjected to infertility and miscarriage, are the amazing people you meet and relate to. It tends to turn friendship into more of a sisterhood, a group of people who care and mourn together. I will share the last line of the message because it was so powerful and meant the world to me.  

     "As one who grieves today, I grieve with you, for whatever you lost, too, for what might have been."

 

Receiving my Master's ( I was asked to read a quote by Nelson Mandela in Tagalog)

First Round of IVF

Unexpectedly, life went on after our first miscarriage. I came out of that experience a new person, who saw life from a totally different perspective. I love more, have more passion, and I find more things to be thankful for. My continuous healing process seemed to take an eternity to even begin, but we had no other choice, life was to be had. Shortly after, Tyler was pressing on in the Rad Tech program and was accepted into the sonography program. I got into the University of Utah's Master's of Social Work Advanced Standing Program. Life was starting to pick up again, and we were ready to start IVF. 

 We were referred to a local fertility clinic, and I instantly loved the nurses. The cycle took so much longer than I expected. After starting medication, they found out I wasn't ovulating, then I wasn't responding to the shots like they expected. I was put on hold twice and was given birth control for a month to allow me to ovulate. At that time, that month-long wait was the hardest part, and what I thought was "the worst thing that could happen". Once the doctor felt I was ready, he noticed I still wasn't responding to the medication, as much as he wanted. I wasn't producing enough eggs, however, he felt there was enough to work off of. After almost three months of various medication, I was finally scheduling my egg retrieval and prospective transfer day! 

Those three days waiting to hear back about how many eggs fertilitized drove me crazy, but once I got the call, I was on cloud nine. They were only able to retrieve three eggs, and only two fertilized. Although I was hoping for five times that amount, it was still enough to transfer. I cried with joy, and made sure to have the three days post-egg transfer off from work. I think Tyler was way more nervous than I was about the transfer. I remember getting home from work to find that he rearranged our bedroom to have a mini fridge and plenty of snacks/gatorades accessible to me...it was seriously one of the cutest things. On transfer day, the two embryos were planted, and I was so ecstatic! I remember holding my lower belly, just wondering what was going on in there. Four days later, I started my grad program, probably the most anxious, yet excited student in attendance. 

Like all IVF patients, we had to wait almost two weeks to get tested to see if the transfer worked. I cried a lot during those days, pondering on all the possibilities. I snuck a pregnancy test on day 11, knowing day 12 I would get the "real test". My home pregnancy test was positive, which was such a relief. The following day, I got my blood work done, and headed to school, knowing it would take 2-3 hours to get the results. Let me tell you, 2-3 hours never felt so long before. I sat in class and stared at my phone, when finally the clinic called. The doctor asked if I was ready to hear the GOOD news. I was PREGNANT! I called Tyler, and went back to class after I cleaned my face from all the tears. 

After my wedding, the most magical day of my life was seeing our baby's heartbeat. Although two embryos were implanted, only one took. However, seeing and hearing that tiny heart pump was something I will never regret. In that quick moment, life made sense to me, and it was worth every second. My heart was full that day, and I still feel the emotions that were shared between Tyler and me. We bonded more that day, and the look he gave me after looking at the ultrasound was unforgettable. Tyler was very cautious with me throughout the weeks to come. We started to plan our life once the baby came, we came up with baby names for each gender, and we planned all the fun ways to tell our families. I received that disheartening book: "What to Expect When You're Expecting" from my work's Wee Care program, and I read it diligently. My pregnancy symptoms were present, and I loved every second of it. On July 2, 2013, our living room was full of all the silly gifts we were going to give our families to make our announcement on the 4th of July. We also Skyped my mother and sister about the big news, and Tyler bought a video camera to videotape our ultrasound the following morning. 

I embraced every second of this life I had. I was so impressed with modern medicine, and I felt so fortunate to have a supportive husband, who was willing to financially, emotionally, and physically support the next step in our life. I felt like a mother again, a feeling I have longed for. I was optimistic, and never expected anything to get in my way. I was so grateful to have made it this far, but anxious to meet our lil' baby. This was the life, this is what life is all about. Love overcame me, and during this time in my life, nothing else mattered. I was happy and in love. 

A Grateful Ending

Our infertility is the heaviest on my mind during the holiday season. I think about increasing our family and starting holiday traditions together, having the opportunity to teach them the power of giving to those who are in need, and the importance of love, family, and togetherness. Unfortunately, the last few holidays have brought me reminders of yet another failed year of trying to conceive. I have always been big on collecting ornaments from the Giving Tree and Sub for Santa because it allows me to remember my youth during the holidays, and all the wonderful people who were true blessings to my family. In addition, I discovered that being able to give back has helped fill the void that weighs heavy during this time of year. I told Tyler I wanted to do more this year to help me feel the Christmas spirit. I want to keep the tradition of taking Grandma Barbie to see Christmas, I want to do more with each other, friends, and family, I'll give canned food to the food bank, I want to take an ornament off the Giving Tree any time I see one rather than limiting it to one tree, I want to do random acts of kindness, etc. My amazing mother-in-law, Michelle, decided we aren't exchanging gift this year AT ALL...no exceptions! She wants to adopt a family to give gifts to instead, and I loved her more when she texted me this. 

I knew no amount of giving would get rid of my pain, but it has definitely lessened how I felt this time around. I had the wonderful opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with all of my siblings and mother. This is something we have not been able to do in years. Morgan and Zac also asked Tyler and me to babysit Drayze for a couple of days so they could leave town, and how could we say no to that offer?! Therefore, I was surrounded with laughter, smiles, reminiscing, and happiness for four days straight. I sat in my living room looking at all the beautiful people in our house, and thought to myself how lucky I am. 

Even facing so many disappointments, I can honestly say we had one of the most productive years so far. 2014 definitely threw us some curve balls, but all in all, I'm so grateful for what 2014 has brought us. The Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl, we bought a house, I got my Master's, got a job closer to home, Tyler is just about finished with school (finally!), and I feel like we are getting closer to figuring out this infertility business. I realized I have so much more to appreciate than I have ever realized recently. More than anything, I am grateful for family. They have helped us both get to the place of feeling at ease with where we are in life. I know ending the year, and starting 2015 with this feeling in my heart will only bring us more happiness and optimism when embarking on a new year. 

Our Molyneaux family! We don't get to see them as much, but they never fail to support us. Thank you for being so willing to do more than expected to help us fulfill our dreams. We love you guys and appreciate your efforts!!

Our Davidson famdamly...I felt like a creeper hunting down pictures of you all. We all spend so much time together, yet there's not an updated picture with all of us! Regardless, we love each one of you. You all share such an optimistic attitude, and the Davidsons stick together through everything. You guys are always there for us. Having all of you in our lives means so much, and we could not be more thankful for the example you are to us. 

It amazes me how much a little spirit can change someone's life. I am soooo grateful that Morgan and Zac allow me to watch this little guy every Monday. Spending time with him has taught me so much and lets me be grateful for all I have. He inspires me to do more and to never give up on my dream of being a mommy. Thank you, Drizzy Drayze, for being my little buddy. I love you so much. 

A Brown family Thanksgiving

My hitta, my hitta, LB. 

My youngbuck, Killer Kyle

My ride or die, Debbie (just kidding Debo)

My ball of rice aka my main, Gless

My exotic lady, AmBRO

Okay, I rarely post pictures like this, but look at her face. It still cracks me up. She wants to kill us, but she will smile anyway!

      

Beginning: Our first miscarriage.

After several failed pregnany tests, I finally decided to see a doctor to figure out why I wasn't pregnant yet. This was about August/September 2011. I was at the doctor's about two or three times a month for the next three months doing various test, which were supposed to figure out my fertility status. I remember leaving the office every time in tears because I wasn't getting the results I wanted to hear. Then, at my final visit, the doctor came in with information about In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). My heart sank because I knew he was trying to tell me I would never have children on my own due to my dysfunctional Fallopian tubes and having slight endometriosis. I also remember the thought of never being able to afford such a procedure because my older sister also had to do IVF and the cost was outrageous. For the next few months, I felt jealousy, anger, hurt, and all the above when I would see pregnant women, previously something I admired seeing. It wasn't fair. I felt guilty that Tyler had to go through this with me. Gosh, I wanted him to be a father more than I wanted to be a mother. I always knew I was going to be a mother one day, but why did we have to go through such measures to accomplish this dream? Infertility remains heavy on my mind. What a selfish and inconsiderate condition, that rips dreams away, changes lives, makes people feel so incompetent, and requires at times unaffordable expenses. I hated being considered infertile, which is exactly why I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't let Infertility win this battle.

It's been two years and I still cry over my first miscarriage. My menstral cycles have never been regular, so when I skip a month, it was never alarming to me. However, this time my skipped cycle was different. It was paired with back pains, nausea, fatigue, and more than anything tender breasts. I joked with Tyler about being pregnant, and I even downloaded a frivolous app that scanned my thumb to predict if I was pregnant or not. Results=pregnant! We laughed about it; what a nonsensical tool. I looked up pregnancy symptoms just to keep Tyler laughing, but we were quickly silenced when all the symptoms matched the ones I was feeling. Tyler told me to take another pregnancy test. I  struggled with the idea because I was let down by so many in the past. The next morning, I woke up, held in my urine (I knew morning urine was most accurate), went to Wal-Mart and bought the stick. For the first time, a beautiful + symbol slowly appeared. We accomplished something that the doctor didn"t think was possible. I took a picture and sent it to Tyler with tears in my eyes. He called me just estatic! The next two weeks were spent with Tyler being overly causcious about what I ate or did throughout the day. We never mentioned anything to our family, but we thought of all the fun ways we could announce our news. We scheduled a doctor's appointment, but we never made it in.

On November 11, 2012 we celebrated the life of Tyler's Great-grandmother Peterson, who passed away the week prior. We sat surrounded by Tyler's family, some I had never met. Tyler was so excited to see his relatives who he had not seen in years. As much as I wanted to be there, I knew something wasn't right. I sat in excrutiating pain and noticed blood. Tyler never knew the extent of what I was feeling because I wanted to be there, I wanted him to be there, and I knew he would make us leave if he knew. Also, deep down, I knew what the results might have been, and I wasn't ready to accept it. After the burial, I burst into tears, and finally told him what was going on. We were supposed to meet at his mother's house and spent time with his extended family, but he took me to the emergency room instead. There, they did tests and determined that I was 8 weeks pregnant. They told me not to worry too much because a miscarriage would produce heavy blood, which I didn't have. Finally, the sonographer arrived and did my ultrasound. We went in with the biggest grins, but left sick to our stomachs and teary eyed. We sat in the room in silence waiting for the doctor to come back. He came in, and I saw it in his face. Ectopic pregnancy. "It could burst, and you would bleed and die. We have to remove it immediately." I cried harder than I cried in a long time, and Tyler just held me in silence. I knew he was hurting too. Bleed and die or continue on this infertility journey? I didn't know which would be worse.

They hooked me up to tubes and prepped me for surgery-my first surgery. Some nurses held me while I cried, and others tried to joke to relieve any worry. I was scared, angry, heartbroken. I was denied when I asked if Tyler could go in with me; I didn't want to be alone. I told Tyler not to tell anyone because I was too ashamed, and I knew everyone would be worried and mournful. I woke up hooked to a machine and saw Tyler's mother in tears. I was in the hospital overnight, and the doctor came in informing us that they removed the embryo as well as my right Fallopian tube (my only tube that was at least somewhat functional, up until my ectopic pregnancy). I was devastated. I didn't know what to do next or how to move on. I missed being pregnant instantly. Our unborn baby brought me so much joy, happiness, hope, and love. I was so surprised by how much love and how bonded I could feel to something inside of me before even seeing it. Before too long, I received calls and texts from my family, Tyler's family, and I received a priesthood blessing from Uncle Ian. My sister came up to be there for us. We received dinners from Aunt Leesa and Uncle Anthony. The love and support was so comforting, but no effort ended my pain.

Thankfully, it was a holiday weekend, which gave me an extra day off work. The following Tuesday, I put on a brave face and walked into work. As I look back, I'm grateful that Tyler made me take a pregnancy test. I would've confused my pain and bleeding as a menstral period, and I could've been in more trouble. The love and support that was offered meant so much to me. We had people crying and praying for us. We are so blessed to be able to feel so much love. Just knowing others care so much for you is overwhelmingly appreciated.

This miscarriage changed me, matured me, made me realize how much more there is to life, and most importantly, made me a mother. My baby, our baby had wings. Although I cannot hold my baby in my arms, my baby will always be with me. My baby was apart of me, even if for a short amount of time, and I will be forever grateful to my baby for bringing me so much and the short time we spent together.

Plan B

I do laundry once a week, and I make sure to check all of Tyler's pockets. It never fails that I will find at least four of his "to do" lists that he creates for himself daily. Some lists even consist of the times in which he plans to complete each task, and the priority of each task. I always laugh when I find his anticipated lists because, well, we're planners. We both enjoy knowing what we need to do next and what needs to be done. I titled our blog "Davidsons living in plan b"  (no, it has nothing to do with contraception). After getting married, we could've mapped out our life. We had plans that were to be followed through. Obviously, it was a complete shock when we found out we weren't going to be able to fulfill these "plans" accordingly. I remember after that doctor's visit, I read a sign that was almost too perfect. "Life Is All About How You Handle 'Plan B'". Now that our 'plan a' was slowly disintegrating, I knew we had to stop planning so diligently and let "plan b" take its course. My life now is nowhere I expected it to be, and at times it drives me crazy not knowing what to expect next. However, it is the life Tyler and I were given, and we have to take advantage of the unknown and create faith in it.   

Meet the Davidsons

I'm Jenilee Joanna Davidson. 10% of the people in my life call me Jenilee, another 10% call me Joanna, and 80% have made up some random nickname for me. My adorable husband is Tyler John Davidson. Rather than write paragraphs about us, I'm going to copy what Morgan Diamond did. Here's a list of 20 random things about me, Tyler, and us. 

ME:

1. I was born and raised in Washington state

2. I moved to Utah after high school and hated it until I met Tyler

3. I love oceans (mostly the scenery and sound of waves)

4. I received my Master's in Social Work from the University of Utah in 2014

5. Seahawks and Mariners!

6. I'm half black and half filipina 

7. I have a dachshund, named Dixie

8. I love crafts

9. Coffee, tea, and wine are my beverages of choice

10. I love traveling, especially with Tyler on a plane

11. I used to hate reading, now I LOVE it

12. I work with adolescents in the juvenile justice system

13. I have the best family (in-laws included)

14. I was born in the back of a Nova car on the way to the hospital (Hewitt Avenue)

15. My mother has been single my whole life and raised us alone

16. I have three biological siblings and seven sibling in-laws

17. Fall is my favorite time of year

18. I'm short, but I don't mind my size

19. I can only shop for about 45 min-1 hour before I'm bored

20. I'm not a morning person, but it has been my goal to be one

TYLER:

1. Hunter and fisherman

2. Very athletic and his life revolves around sports

3. Broncos and Dodgers

4. Mr. organized

5. He has terrible anxiety

6. Hates being on planes

7. He's a professional student

8. For work, he does X-Rays and Ultrasounds

9. He has a black lab, named Deacon

10. He has gorgeous green eyes with long eyelashes 

11. He's been shot in the leg by his now cousin

12. He has broken his nose four times, the last time was while he was sleeping

13. Very dedicated to his work and family 

14. He drinks way too much Dr. Pepper or Mt. Dew a day

15. He cannot sit around, he is always doing something

16. He's a small-town guy, who hates cities

17. Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday

18. If he's hungry, don't get in his way

19. His dream vacation is to fish in Alaska

20. Kids will always gravitate to him over me

US: 

1. We met in St. George

2. For Tyler, it was love at first sight; for Jenilee he was an easy target to make fun of

3. The first thing we realized we had in common was we LOVE football

4. The second thing we realized we had in common was we like cold weather because it's an excuse to cuddle (which later turned into an inside joke for us)

5. During Super Bowl XLVIII, we spent it as rivals (It was a Seahawk victory in case you missed it)

6. We bought our first house in June 2014 as young 25 year olds

7. We have the most beautiful niece and nephew (Ava and Drayze)

8. Combined, we will have a total of 14 years of college, yet neither of us are doctors

9. Our favorite thing to do together is attend sporting events...no matter the sport

10. We met each other in bathing suits

11. We love seeing movies together

12. Other than sports, the only TV shows we mutually enjoy are Modern Family, That 70s Show, and Friends

13. Education is a huge priority

14. The only team we can agree on is the University of Utah (unless they play the University of Washington)

15. We enjoy long car rides (Jenilee goes for scenery, Tyler goes to look for deer/ducks)

16. On our honeymoon, we went to the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona

17. Each time we have travelled somewhere we have ended up going to a game

18. The past 4 years we have had three failed pregnancies and one failed adoption

19. We are resilient and will not give up on our dream of being parents

20. After each tragedy that occurs, we grow closer, accept challenges, and fall deeper in love

Introduction to this blog

Finally, it's here! I have been encouraged to make a blog and let loose about our story. My biggest motivator to create this blog is one of my best friends, my sister-in-law, Morgan Diamond. Therefore, Morg, you better be our biggest fan. I held off so long on creating this blog because 1) I didn't know where to start, and 2) I didn't think our story was that significant. When I asked Morgan "where do I start?" She replied, "Start with why you began your blog". Here goes: I am beginning this blog because I need to for us. Us as in Tyler, our future children, those who have or are currently struggling with the same battle, and, of course, myself. Due to Tyler and me desiring to be adventurous, I will also include activities that we do on our spare time to get through our hectic life.

The battle that Tyler and I are currently working through is the misfortune of infertility.  Ask me about infertility five years ago, and I would've been able to talk about only a select few people I have met who have been trying to conceive. I would've been able to talk about it without any compassion. I could only speak of it for a quick second, without getting emotional just using the word "infertile". I knew nothing about infertility, better yet, I NEVER saw infertility in my near future. As we maneuver   our way through our misfortunes, I question whether or not they are really "misfortunes"...

Buckle up, this is our story.