July 3, 2013 became a day that I will repeatedly live as an ailing memory. I think my subconsciousness overtook my body, and somehow my optimistic attitude was slowly fading away. I woke up in an awful mood, to the point of insulting Tyler. That morning, we were going to see our baby's heartbeat at 12 weeks, and this day should've started out blissful. Nonetheless, I was upset, Tyler was upset, and we walked into the clinic not really speaking to each other. As the doctor entered the room, he started the ultrasound, and Tyler turned on the camera ready to film. I didn't look at the screen right away, but looked at the nurse who was already giving me the pity look, the doctor looked at me and back at the screen, and Tyler turned the camera off, then sat back in his chair. The doctor said there was no more heartbeat, and the rest of the conversation was a blur. The next thing I remember, was being back in my street clothes, with the nurse hugging me, apologzing. I didn't cry until  I was almost home, in fact, the highway seemed so blurry and distant, even though I was driving on it. I opened my front door to see the "surprise" gifts and that disheartening book scattered throughout my living room. I laid in bed and cried. I screamed and begged for an answer. It was an out-of-body experience. I swear, I was watching myself from a distance laying in agony, crying, suddenly wanting everything to end. I called Tyler, who had to go to work after the ultrasound, and asked him to come home. He was home immediately, and held me in our bed as I begged for God to release me of my pain. Tyler suffers in silence, and I felt a few of his heartbreaking tear drops hit my skin. 

I laid in bed wanting this to fast-forward. I knew the pain was immense, and in time, life would bring more comfort. I just wanted to bypass the immensity, and feel at ease with all of this. I also Googled the first therapist in Utah County and scheduled an appointment. My face was swollen from crying, but Tyler felt it necessary that we stay occupied throughout the day. He got me out of bed, and took me out to eat; we ate in silence. After leaving the restaurant, we were rear-ended. Just our luck, right?! I got out of the car and swore a few times, asking why of all days this would happen. That night, we also met Tyler's mother, grandmother, sisters, and newborn nephew at the mall. We put on a brave face, and went about the day. I have developed mastery skills in masking my pain, but nothing hurt worse than being in intense pain, and not being able to express it. The following day was the 4th of July, and the day our nephew, Drayze, was blessed at the family barbeque. Tyler told me several times we didn't have to attend if it was going to be too hard for me, but Drayze means the world to us, and we wanted to be there. 

I was tough throughout the day, faking my smile. Once the fireworks went off, so did the tears. I thought about how at this time everyone was supposed to know I was pregnant, I thought of the ultrasound,  how I was still pregnant without a heartbeat, I thought that the worst has yet to come...the miscarriage, I questioned why my life has come to this, and how Tyler and I remain baby-less. As the tears became more and more dramatic, I knew there was no way of hiding this from his family. It was only a matter of time before his aunt and mother were pulling me away from Tyler, holding me, asking what was wrong. My only response at first was, "I'm going to have another miscarriage". 

I took the next few days off work to mourn, but the next day was the hardest for me because Tyler had to go back to work. Loneliness brought on a whole new meaning to me. For the first time, depression and self harm made sense to me. Not that I ever tried to hurt myself, but the thought of taking away pain...it all just made sense. Trying to joggle school, work, an internship, and a miscarriage seemed completely insane to me. I begged Tyler to let me drop out, but he wasn't having it. I never built up the courage to tell my professors that I needed more time on my assignments because a part of me still felt ashamed that I was about to have miscarriage #2, and I felt weakness because I needed more time to complete assignments. Nonetheless, I completed my assignments, and I still don't get how I did it all. My emotions were more than I could handle, but one thing that helped was studying social work and mental health, while struggling with my own health. Although my cohort never knew what I went through, being surrounded with people who naturally care for people, while learning how to help those who are suffering was so beneficial to me. 

I believe my greatest step in healing came from a phone call I received from my mother. She's never been one to express her emotions easily, let alone be overly affectionate. She called me one day and very softly in her crying voice said, "You guys will get through this". I knew she once had a miscarriage, but she never went into detail until this day. She believes her miscarriage was caused by the state of mind she was in during her marriage. My father had done some terrible things to her, and stress overcame her. She told me she was alone, and during her miscarriage, the only thing that kept her going were her then three babies. I knew she wasn't telling me this to have any kind of pity or rub it in that she was already a mother at this time. She wanted me to realize how much support we had, and our support system will not let us give up. After I got off the phone with her, I tearfully laid next to my husband who had decided to take some days off work with me and made a childish campout in our living room, where we slept for weeks after our ultrasound watching series after series on Netflix. We had a copious amount of family members who were praying, fasting, and putting our names in the LDS temple, we had friends and bosses who called/texted just to see how we were holding up, we had people offering to bring us whatever we needed.  

I think I convinced others that I was mentally sick beyond my own awareness. My miscarriage didn't come right away, but I refused to have a D & C. I wanted to continue being motherly because I knew it wouldn't last forever. I continued to eat really healthy, stayed away from coffee, and never drank an alcoholic beverage. I thought it was unfair for people to question my decisions when it came to this. Yes, I knew my baby was no longer living, I didn't want a D&C procedure, and I still wanted to baby my baby by making sure he or she was never exposed to anything that could cause harm while inside of me. Finally, as crazy as it drove me, I didn't want to force out my baby with a D&C. Some told me I was only hurting myself more by keeping the baby inside me. It sounds ludicrous, but at the time, I didn't feel any rush to stop my last piece of motherhood that I had at this moment. 

I never expected to wait so long for the miscarriage to come, but it took nearly three weeks. I was so confused with the long wait that I took precautions and got a second ultrasound. I battled this idea because I didn't want to reopen another wound, but I knew the worst thing they could tell me was news that I already knew. It was discovered that the baby was still very high in my uterus, which could be the reason why the process was taking so long. Later that week, I miscarried at work. I would be lying if I said I handled it well. However, I'd like to believe my support system and mental preparation eased the pain for this process. While at work, my co-workers who were near me took over my work, and encouraged me to take a few days off, which was so appreciative. I also spent a lot of time with other people during my miscarriage. Tyler and I spent time with friends, went to baseball games, did some soul searching, and did a lot of "us" time. Yes, most days took everything in me to get out of bed and proceed with my daily tasks, but I felt laying in bed in misery was not going to help my mental state. 

The day I graduated from grad school was one of my most profound days. Getting my Master's was so much more than a degree. I sat on the stage in tears realizing how far I had come, and this was one time in my life that I felt so unbelieveably proud of myself. I accomplished something that I felt was completely impossible. I felt like a damn Super Woman!  I worked full-time, went to school, and completed my internship, but most importantly, I made it through one of the most difficult times in my life; I made it through a second miscarriage. This day made anything seem possible and within reach. 

If I could reach out and help those who struggle with fertility and/or is dealing with a miscarriage, I would want them to know that the pain never goes away, so be prepared to cry for weeks, months, years after your miscarriage. Nonetheless, know that life does gets more bearable. Never be ashamed for mourning!!! Take as long as you need to mourn and grieve, and do it in your own, healthy way. Embrace and accept this pain. That sounds completely ignorant for me to even suggest, but I'm strong, and I credit my strength to all the pain and suffering I endured. I accept it because denying and putting it off would've never allowed me to fully heal.  Accept help. I felt as though I was a burden to those who offered to help, and I was too stubborn to accept help no matter how much I really needed it. Allow it! People want to help or they wouldn't offer their time. Moreover, just having people around to listen to you was so healing in itself. Which brings me to my next set of advice: Build a support group. When I needed strength, it was never too far away. My support group kept me going. Never, ever give up. Easier said than done, I know! This pain can be debilitating at times, and if allowed, it could hinder moving forward. Don't let the pain defeat you. I questioned why, why do we have to go through this. "Everything happens for a reason". This has always been my life's explanation. I don't know why we had to experience this, and I still believe it's not fair. I'm growing from this, I'm stronger because of this, I found a purpose in this, and I want to make something out of this situation. I want to help others, as a matter of fact, I've developed more of a passion to help those who go through infertility. Don't let this define you. I felt so less feminine and always put myself down for being infertile. I felt as though I couldn't accomplish why I was chosen to be a female. I had to end this thought process because I am more than just an infertile person. I'm a strong woman, who wants to help empower other women, and I am a mother! I'm a mother to babies who are in a beautiful place. Appreciate everything and everyone. I could not have asked for a better husband. If I had to go through all of this, I am so lucky to have him. He deserves the world, to be a father, and he will be a damn good one, one day. I fell in love with him more after going through all this, and we bonded significantly. Finally, celebrate your baby's life! Tyler and I released balloons on the anniversary of my first miscarriage and the day our second baby was due. It added closure for me. I'll never forget them, and I want them to know that I cherished every second with them, even if for a short amount of time.

My amazing friend, Sarah Schmidt, sent me an amazing message that she received from a friend after she experienced a miscarriage. She sent it to me soon after my second miscarriage. It was sooo meaningful and touching. One of the greatest gifts of being subjected to infertility and miscarriage, are the amazing people you meet and relate to. It tends to turn friendship into more of a sisterhood, a group of people who care and mourn together. I will share the last line of the message because it was so powerful and meant the world to me.  

     "As one who grieves today, I grieve with you, for whatever you lost, too, for what might have been."

 

Receiving my Master's ( I was asked to read a quote by Nelson Mandela in Tagalog)

First Round of IVF

Unexpectedly, life went on after our first miscarriage. I came out of that experience a new person, who saw life from a totally different perspective. I love more, have more passion, and I find more things to be thankful for. My continuous healing process seemed to take an eternity to even begin, but we had no other choice, life was to be had. Shortly after, Tyler was pressing on in the Rad Tech program and was accepted into the sonography program. I got into the University of Utah's Master's of Social Work Advanced Standing Program. Life was starting to pick up again, and we were ready to start IVF. 

 We were referred to a local fertility clinic, and I instantly loved the nurses. The cycle took so much longer than I expected. After starting medication, they found out I wasn't ovulating, then I wasn't responding to the shots like they expected. I was put on hold twice and was given birth control for a month to allow me to ovulate. At that time, that month-long wait was the hardest part, and what I thought was "the worst thing that could happen". Once the doctor felt I was ready, he noticed I still wasn't responding to the medication, as much as he wanted. I wasn't producing enough eggs, however, he felt there was enough to work off of. After almost three months of various medication, I was finally scheduling my egg retrieval and prospective transfer day! 

Those three days waiting to hear back about how many eggs fertilitized drove me crazy, but once I got the call, I was on cloud nine. They were only able to retrieve three eggs, and only two fertilized. Although I was hoping for five times that amount, it was still enough to transfer. I cried with joy, and made sure to have the three days post-egg transfer off from work. I think Tyler was way more nervous than I was about the transfer. I remember getting home from work to find that he rearranged our bedroom to have a mini fridge and plenty of snacks/gatorades accessible to me...it was seriously one of the cutest things. On transfer day, the two embryos were planted, and I was so ecstatic! I remember holding my lower belly, just wondering what was going on in there. Four days later, I started my grad program, probably the most anxious, yet excited student in attendance. 

Like all IVF patients, we had to wait almost two weeks to get tested to see if the transfer worked. I cried a lot during those days, pondering on all the possibilities. I snuck a pregnancy test on day 11, knowing day 12 I would get the "real test". My home pregnancy test was positive, which was such a relief. The following day, I got my blood work done, and headed to school, knowing it would take 2-3 hours to get the results. Let me tell you, 2-3 hours never felt so long before. I sat in class and stared at my phone, when finally the clinic called. The doctor asked if I was ready to hear the GOOD news. I was PREGNANT! I called Tyler, and went back to class after I cleaned my face from all the tears. 

After my wedding, the most magical day of my life was seeing our baby's heartbeat. Although two embryos were implanted, only one took. However, seeing and hearing that tiny heart pump was something I will never regret. In that quick moment, life made sense to me, and it was worth every second. My heart was full that day, and I still feel the emotions that were shared between Tyler and me. We bonded more that day, and the look he gave me after looking at the ultrasound was unforgettable. Tyler was very cautious with me throughout the weeks to come. We started to plan our life once the baby came, we came up with baby names for each gender, and we planned all the fun ways to tell our families. I received that disheartening book: "What to Expect When You're Expecting" from my work's Wee Care program, and I read it diligently. My pregnancy symptoms were present, and I loved every second of it. On July 2, 2013, our living room was full of all the silly gifts we were going to give our families to make our announcement on the 4th of July. We also Skyped my mother and sister about the big news, and Tyler bought a video camera to videotape our ultrasound the following morning. 

I embraced every second of this life I had. I was so impressed with modern medicine, and I felt so fortunate to have a supportive husband, who was willing to financially, emotionally, and physically support the next step in our life. I felt like a mother again, a feeling I have longed for. I was optimistic, and never expected anything to get in my way. I was so grateful to have made it this far, but anxious to meet our lil' baby. This was the life, this is what life is all about. Love overcame me, and during this time in my life, nothing else mattered. I was happy and in love.