I'm starting to understand why it takes me so long inbeween each blog. It takes an unbelieveably amount of mental power and emotional turmoil for me to relive these memories and remember the emotions. However, no matter how much pain it takes to write about the experience, I MUST write about it. It helps me recognize how much I have grown and all that I have learned.

 First, let me start by saying how much I love adoptions. It's the reason why I went into social work, long before I even knew about my infertility. Owning an adoption agency continues to be another dream of mine. After getting enmeshed in the adoption world, I realized there were a few policies I would love to either change or strengthen.

In May 2014, we were tagged in a Facebook post by my sister's childhood friend who saw an agency (Premier Adoptions-fantastic adoption agency, and one I would recommend over any other) looking for a couple to adopt a baby girl, due in August 2014. We read the brief description of the birth parents-Caucasian father and a half black, half Filipino mother...hello!!! It screamed our names. Since the mother was due really soon, they requested that all interested parents send in their profiles and home studies as soon as possible, we had neither. I contacted my good friend Kim, who is one of the founders of Utah Adoption Specialist (if  you ever  need a home study done, this is the agency!! They are experienced , affordable, and just wonderful), and I told her about my situation. She said it usually takes about a month or so to get the home studies done because there's a lot of paper work and a physical that are required, not to mention the home study itself. That night, I also went to the store, printed out hundreds of random pictures, and bought a bunch of craft paper for our adoption profile. I hear most are done through online scrapbooks, such as Shutterfly, but "ain't nobody got time for that!" We needed a profile done immediately, so I cut and glued pictures like crazy. The team at Utah Adoption Specialist were on point! We had our profile and home study signed and delivered to the adoption agency within a week.   We were told  that the couple was already looking at profiles,  but  they would sneak ours in.

A couple weeks past,  and I  received an email informing  us that the  birth mother narrowed it down to us and one other couple, and she wanted to  meet over  the  phone. My heart sank. As  you may know  from  my  previous post, talking on the phone  is not my strength, so  Tyler helped  prep  my speaking skills. Surprisingly, the first phone call we had with them went so well. We found out the birth mother and I had more in common! In addition to our matching ethnicities, she is also from Washington state and loves the Seahawks. The birthday father is from a smaller town and loves to fish, just like Tyler. We spoke on the phone for quite sometime, and the case worker who was listening in on the call with us was so impressed with how well the interview went. After the phone call, we called our families who were all anxiously texting and calling while we were on the phone with the birth parents.

Again, weeks went by, and they still hadn't picked between the two couples, so we had another phone interview. This one was an absolute painful disaster. The birthmother was not impressed with us one bit! We were yelled at by her several times throughout the call. We still weren't picked yet, but she had different ideas regarding our readiness and questioned us as parents. She asked what names we picked out, and we told her we haven't picked out a name, then she insulted us with the names we liked. We were both 25 and were doubted due to our young age. She then asked us what the nursery looked like, and she was more than turned off by the fact that we didn't have a nursery put together yet. We both explained that we have the bad habit of getting overly excited each time we got close to being parents, so this time we didn't want to get our hopes up, especially since she still had not verbally told us that she wanted us to be her baby's parents. We informed her the second we are given the word, the house would have a nursery and would be baby-proofed. Boy, was that the wrong answer! She yelled at us, telling us we always need to be prepared for let downs and rejections, it's how we as humans "learn and grow". I bit my tongue so hard, I swore I drew blood. How dare she tell us this?! Like we were crazy for protecting our hearts and not getting our hopes up too soon. As though we don't know what let downs felt like? Did she consider that my miscarriages felt like the world was rejecting me each time? Or better yet, getting into adoptions, knowing we could possibly get rejected? After she had said that, she didn't let us fit another word in. The phone call was actually lost, and the case worker called us back to apologize for how rude she was to us. She was able to talk to the birth mother before calling us to let her know she thought she was out of line, but the birth mother thought the call went great...we didn't know which phone call she was talking about because we both felt like failures. However, she asked to meet us in person over dinner.

In that same week, we signed on our first home, and moved in right away. We thought it would be more conducive for us and children. Our space more than doubled, it has a fenced in backyard, and a neighborhood full of little children for our babies to play with. 

The next week, dinner was amazing. We met both the mother and father at Red Lobster. We were there for hours, as the conversations never stopped. She was stunning, and he was so handsome. They were a married couple who had both been through some struggles with homelessness, substance use, and placing four other children in the past. They both stated, they are extremely fertile with the inability to parent. During our conversation, the question about the baby's name was brought up again, the this time she requested that she name the baby. We thought being parents was more important to us than the name, so we agreed reluctantly. When she stated the name, our mouths dropped...it was six names long! We awkwardly smiled. The husband also brought up some weird questions about the openness of the adoption. I am all for open adoptions as long as the baby and birth parents aren't confused with who the parents are. He invisioned still allowing her to stay the night with them on weekends when she gets older and treat them more like aunts and uncles. We thought that was a little too open for us. Other than those two subjects, the conversations were really fun. I felt as though we were talking to two friends we knew from the past. They were very proud of us for buying a house, and we congratulated him for getting a job. 

The week after dinner, we were still waiting for her to give us an answer. We were anxious because she was due in less than a month, and I felt we were crunched for time. In that time, we also found out how much the adoption was going to cost us, as there was some misunderstandings in the beginning. On average, birth mother living expenses cost $5,000-$7,000. This birth mother more than doubled this cost, making it close to $16,000 alone. Therefore, altogether the cost was going to be $31,000. We thought it was outrageous because she had only been in contact with the agency at five months pregnant, so we were confused when we found out she needed $16k for the last four months of her pregnancy. The agency also told us they had to cut her off because she was still requesting money for various things. I wondered if she considered the money she was cleaning out of our savings was money that we actually started putting away for our future children's college fund. We about died. I remember crying for hours as Tyler was trying to gather information on getting loans for adoptions. Our families were rockstars! The Molyneaux family held an ice cream fundraiser at the camp grounds, the Davidsons were selling vehicles and other belongings to raise money, and the Browns were willing to write checks and donate things as well. The agency worked out a deal with us informing us that we didn't need to pay it all upfront, and they would allow us to pay it off before the adoption was finalized. 

Finally, one Sunday, the case worker called us and asked if it was okay to conference in the birth parents. We wouldn't turn that down. When talking to them, they asked us to be their baby's parents. I felt numb, instead of estactic. Our families were elated, and Tyler was so relieved. 

This next message is something I've never shared with anyone, not even Tyler, and I even questioned whether or not I should include it. Here goes-After they gave us an answer, something just didn't feel right. I was so excited that they picked us, but I had the strangest feeling that I wouldn't meet this baby girl. I kept trying to picture us at the hospital, but I just couldn't picture it. I thought maybe because it all just seems so surreal that I was going to bring home a baby after waiting all this time. There were times I would hold our nephew, Drayze, and spend a whole day with him, but feel such a deep saddness. I kept questioning if I could ever love this baby girl as much as I love Drayze. Then I hated myself for already being a terrible mother. I remember talking to Morgan, I asked her if she felt nervous about being a mother. She explained that she had the same feelings-wondering if she could be good enough, if she could love another human enough. Then she said, the second she saw Drayze, she knew there wasn't a thing in the world that she wouldn't do for him. She had me in tears. I felt human. I felt like it was only motherly instinct that I was feeling, rather than feeling as though I wasn't going to be enough.

Back to my story-We rushed and traded in my two door car for a four door, even though we both weren't really into the car we picked. We just knew we needed something that could get a car seat in and out more conveniently. The week before the baby was due, my mother cancelled her trip to Seattle, and interviewed for a job in Provo to be closer to us and the baby. Tyler, Michelle, Deveny, Grandma Barb, Ryan, and myself went up north to shop like crazy for the baby. The Tipettes, Berrys, and Neals were donating necessities, such as cribs, pack-and-plays, swings, clothes, etc. Finally, the Sunday before Jeff, Michelle, Deveny, Glessie, Debo, Kyle, and Ty and myself knocked out a nursery quicker than anyone has seen, I guarauntee it! It was such a cute nursery, even though we made trip after trip to Wal-Mart and Home Depot. The final touch to the nursery was the bookself I just had to have in my baby's room.  That night as I was putting the last shelf on, I received the phone call. The case worker, Lorie Jo, asked both of us to sit down, and the tone of her voice said it all. The parents called off the adoption. She explained the father texted her as she was on the way to their place to explain that they were keeping the baby. Lorie Jo continued driving to their house, to find that they weren't answering the door. They also weren't returning her phone calls or texts. It seemed as though they just took off. Lorie Jo was just sick and heartbroken for us. The nursery room remained shut for weeks. I couldn't even glance inside.

Again, I was in pain-hurt, miserable, embarrassed, rejected, you name it. My faith in God started to vanish more than ever before. I was so angry with Him. Why would he allow me to get this close again? I felt like he was teasing me. I was upset that I ignored that feeling of unease when we were selected. Why were were selected, all just to get our hearts broken? I cried for days.  I was so embarrassed to even be seen or go back to work. I was distant from the world. I couldn't stand to even look at Tyler. I felt like I was the one killing him, although he never let it show that he was upset. He's such a sweetheart, he never lets me see his weak side, only his strength. I was confined to my bed one day, the day I knew the baby was due. I laid in bed, and every inch of my body was aching. I laid wondering if I would ever be a mother, and the thought alone made me sick. I couldn't turn on the TV, as the sounds of others laughing only made me more sick. I wondered if I should just leave and not ever come back. I wanted to start a new life. I wanted Tyler to leave me, as I felt I was the cause of his pain, and I knew he deserved better. I didn't want to be selfish anymore, and "force" him to stay married to me just because I needed him more than anything. When I brought this up to him, he said something that made me fall in love with him even more and stuck with me, "Being a father wasn't my dream, my dream is you. Having babies with you is just an added bonus". 

My family, Tyler's side and mine, are always wondering why we leave them out of the loops so often when it comes to our infertility. This experience verified why I choose to keep them in the dark. My heart broke for them more than it did for me. Because they are the most incredible people and family anyone could ask for, they become so invested in us being parents. They loved that baby before they even saw her. When I saw and heard in their voices the pain they felt, I became so revengeful towards the birth parents. How could they do this to them? I don't think they could even fathom how many people were already involved and invested in this baby.

I couldn't be mad at them, though. I can't be mad at people who want to try parenting and who felt a connection to their child. I try to think the best in people, but something was unsettling about what they did. I hope my next sentence is just an assumption, and if it is, then I'll take full responsibility for what I say. I have to believe there was some alternative motive that they had when getting in contact with the agency. I really hope this is wrong, and that they didn't intend to get good people invested in their child, all to lead them on and break their hearts. They definitely put us through a lot during and after the process, but I have to let go of the pain. I still think of their baby girl quite often, and all I can hope is that she is healthy, safe, and happy, no matter where she is in the world. I also think of the birth parents as well. I hope they're at peace with their decision because that would help me be at peace as well. I also hope they are able to do everything they can to better themselves, so in turn, they are bettering their baby.

I want to thank Lorie Jo at Premier Adoptions, and I think she definitely needs a raise after working with this energetic and unpredictable couple. She was so patient and amazing. I also want to thank Premier Adoptions for being so compassionate with us, and for contacting us after the fact to make sure we were doing alright. 

I know now that we were never meant to be her parents. It took me awhile to accept this fact. After experiencing this failed adoption, it took me awhile to believe in myself again, as a mother. I know within my heart that everything happens for a reason, and I refuse to believe that this is a sign that I should give up or that I will never be a mother. As much as it pains me to think of her, I'm so blessed to have gone through this experience. I often think about what might have been, what it would be like to go home from the hospital, to use our adorable nursery. Then, I realize I cannot allow the "what if's" slow me down, rather, motivate those "what if's" to become my reality. Again, it opened my eyes to all that I have learned and the strength that both Tyler and I have inside of us. It further promotes me to try even harder and to love more.

I can't end this post without leaving a picture of Dixie girl. Tyler bought her for me after our adoption failed. She's the biggest sweetheart, just like her dad. 

Shout out to Pound the Pavement for Parenthood

One of my favorite things that happened to us in 2014 was being selected as a sponsored couple by Pound the Pavement for Parenthood (PPP). It's an amazing organization, and if you haven't heard of them, you need to look up their blog as well. PPP holds 5k/10k events, and the money that is raised is put towards IVF or adoption processes for couples who struggle with infertility. Really, the organization is heaven-sent! After we heard about the organization, Tyler immediately submitted our story. It took a few months for them to contact us, and we just thought we didn't stand a chance. I remember the day they called us. We were out eating (of course, we have that bad habit), and I received their call. I remember the restaurant was loud and I couldn't hear who it was, but my phone was dying and asked them to call Tyler. Later, I realized who it was and panicked that I might have sounded rude. Our waitress glared at us when we ran out the door after ordering our drinks-we promised we were just going to stand in the parking lot to take a call. Tyler nailed the over-the-phone interview, and I froze, letting Tyler speak for both of us. He laughs at how bad I did! The next week we were asked to meet in person for a face-to-face interview...we were stoked that I didn't blow the interview for us. After meeting Jill, Maren, and Shellee (we later met Marissa and Stephanie), I felt as though we had all been friends for years. I sat at a table with women who knew me, they knew my struggles, and I felt their emotions. I instantly knew I was meant to meet these strong and passionate women.

Months of planning, organizing, phone calls, and advertising went by, and I still get emotional thinking about the months that led up to the event. Tyler was a freaking rockstar in advertising and getting people/companies to sponsor the race. I always knew he wanted this dream as bad as I did, but during these months, his relentlessness was far more evident than mine. I grew a little closer to my husband during these months.  We were able to work as a team, but more importantly, he showed me more passion and desire than I had ever seen in him previously. He melted my heart.

If there was one lesson being a part of the PPP family has shown me is the astonishing amount of love and support Tyler and I have. Overwhelm does not even begin to describe how I felt. If people couldn't attend our race, they were donating (quick and adorable story-my older brother refused to come to our race because he thought donating the cost of his plane ticket would benefit us more-thanks LB, you were there in spirit). If they were attending our race, they were making their friends also run to support us. Personalized shirts were made for us, which honored our two previous miscarriages-thanks Mama Michelle! We saw our post shared on Facebook by people we didn't even know. The day of the race was phenomenal and so was the turnout! I met a plethora of people who would just hug me and tell me our story on the PPP blog "inspired" them. One lady tearfully hugged me, and told me to she had came for me. I had never even met her. It was such a humbling experience. Our family and close friends will also forever remain in my heart.  The work they put in meant so much to us. The best part is, many of them aren't runners, but they were that day! If that isn't true love, I don't know any other.

I want to conclude by thanking my PPP family. The work you all do is undeniably nothing less than compassionate and divine. I love the fact that this determined, beautiful group of women did not let their infertility defeat them. Rather, they defeated it by helping others who have struggled. They created a community where couples can come together and support each other. They remind us why we should never give up or lose hope. These ladies and their husbands are heroic and demonstrate strength. It's amazing how much they have touched our lives, and TOGETHER we are kicking Infertility's ass! 

Ilyas-one cute little baby boy came out to join us. I worked with his father, and both his father and mother became such great and supportive friends to Tyler and me. 

Ramon (Ramono), Me, Ilyas, Ahmed (Ilyas' father), Carolina racing to the finish

My lover was a busy bee 

Cute preggo Jill (founder of PPP), Michelle, and my entire Berry family joined. I love everyone in this picture, even though Chase is hidden. They all mean so much to us

This was my favorite thing about this day. We have some of the best friends in the world. Zach (Snax) has always just been there for Tyler, Todd (and Aidaly)-we don't get to see them as much, but they are seriously some of the most supportive people I will ever meet. Cute litle Aidaly was there, pregnant and all, standing in the heat supporting us! They will forever hold a place in my heart. Then there's Jade! The wheelchair wasn't holding him back at all. Snax and Todd pulled him through the entire run! These three men are nothing less than incredible. I love them more than they'll ever know. 

I wish I had a better picture. This is my Early Intervention crew. I was working with them during the race. I said it once and I'll say it again-some of the best people I will ever work with. I love how supportive these folks were. James and Dimples even "ran" just for us! 

My brother-in-laws, Dedric and McKoy, brought some of their friends and teammates from the football team along with them. These boys were HEART WARMING! Originally, they came along to volunteer, but ended up purchasing a bib to run instead. Most of them showed up in their "as one" team shirts as well. Talk about the youth of this generation leaving an impact on us adults! I will forever love this amazing group of men. 

This is a picture Tyler and I plan on enlarging and putting in our nursery one day. This picture means so much to us. These is a large portion of people who ran for us. I wish we could have gotten everyone in this picture, but nonetheless, I will cherish this photo. 

The Toughest Day of my Life

July 3, 2013 became a day that I will repeatedly live as an ailing memory. I think my subconsciousness overtook my body, and somehow my optimistic attitude was slowly fading away. I woke up in an awful mood, to the point of insulting Tyler. That morning, we were going to see our baby's heartbeat at 12 weeks, and this day should've started out blissful. Nonetheless, I was upset, Tyler was upset, and we walked into the clinic not really speaking to each other. As the doctor entered the room, he started the ultrasound, and Tyler turned on the camera ready to film. I didn't look at the screen right away, but looked at the nurse who was already giving me the pity look, the doctor looked at me and back at the screen, and Tyler turned the camera off, then sat back in his chair. The doctor said there was no more heartbeat, and the rest of the conversation was a blur. The next thing I remember, was being back in my street clothes, with the nurse hugging me, apologzing. I didn't cry until  I was almost home, in fact, the highway seemed so blurry and distant, even though I was driving on it. I opened my front door to see the "surprise" gifts and that disheartening book scattered throughout my living room. I laid in bed and cried. I screamed and begged for an answer. It was an out-of-body experience. I swear, I was watching myself from a distance laying in agony, crying, suddenly wanting everything to end. I called Tyler, who had to go to work after the ultrasound, and asked him to come home. He was home immediately, and held me in our bed as I begged for God to release me of my pain. Tyler suffers in silence, and I felt a few of his heartbreaking tear drops hit my skin. 

I laid in bed wanting this to fast-forward. I knew the pain was immense, and in time, life would bring more comfort. I just wanted to bypass the immensity, and feel at ease with all of this. I also Googled the first therapist in Utah County and scheduled an appointment. My face was swollen from crying, but Tyler felt it necessary that we stay occupied throughout the day. He got me out of bed, and took me out to eat; we ate in silence. After leaving the restaurant, we were rear-ended. Just our luck, right?! I got out of the car and swore a few times, asking why of all days this would happen. That night, we also met Tyler's mother, grandmother, sisters, and newborn nephew at the mall. We put on a brave face, and went about the day. I have developed mastery skills in masking my pain, but nothing hurt worse than being in intense pain, and not being able to express it. The following day was the 4th of July, and the day our nephew, Drayze, was blessed at the family barbeque. Tyler told me several times we didn't have to attend if it was going to be too hard for me, but Drayze means the world to us, and we wanted to be there. 

I was tough throughout the day, faking my smile. Once the fireworks went off, so did the tears. I thought about how at this time everyone was supposed to know I was pregnant, I thought of the ultrasound,  how I was still pregnant without a heartbeat, I thought that the worst has yet to come...the miscarriage, I questioned why my life has come to this, and how Tyler and I remain baby-less. As the tears became more and more dramatic, I knew there was no way of hiding this from his family. It was only a matter of time before his aunt and mother were pulling me away from Tyler, holding me, asking what was wrong. My only response at first was, "I'm going to have another miscarriage". 

I took the next few days off work to mourn, but the next day was the hardest for me because Tyler had to go back to work. Loneliness brought on a whole new meaning to me. For the first time, depression and self harm made sense to me. Not that I ever tried to hurt myself, but the thought of taking away pain...it all just made sense. Trying to joggle school, work, an internship, and a miscarriage seemed completely insane to me. I begged Tyler to let me drop out, but he wasn't having it. I never built up the courage to tell my professors that I needed more time on my assignments because a part of me still felt ashamed that I was about to have miscarriage #2, and I felt weakness because I needed more time to complete assignments. Nonetheless, I completed my assignments, and I still don't get how I did it all. My emotions were more than I could handle, but one thing that helped was studying social work and mental health, while struggling with my own health. Although my cohort never knew what I went through, being surrounded with people who naturally care for people, while learning how to help those who are suffering was so beneficial to me. 

I believe my greatest step in healing came from a phone call I received from my mother. She's never been one to express her emotions easily, let alone be overly affectionate. She called me one day and very softly in her crying voice said, "You guys will get through this". I knew she once had a miscarriage, but she never went into detail until this day. She believes her miscarriage was caused by the state of mind she was in during her marriage. My father had done some terrible things to her, and stress overcame her. She told me she was alone, and during her miscarriage, the only thing that kept her going were her then three babies. I knew she wasn't telling me this to have any kind of pity or rub it in that she was already a mother at this time. She wanted me to realize how much support we had, and our support system will not let us give up. After I got off the phone with her, I tearfully laid next to my husband who had decided to take some days off work with me and made a childish campout in our living room, where we slept for weeks after our ultrasound watching series after series on Netflix. We had a copious amount of family members who were praying, fasting, and putting our names in the LDS temple, we had friends and bosses who called/texted just to see how we were holding up, we had people offering to bring us whatever we needed.  

I think I convinced others that I was mentally sick beyond my own awareness. My miscarriage didn't come right away, but I refused to have a D & C. I wanted to continue being motherly because I knew it wouldn't last forever. I continued to eat really healthy, stayed away from coffee, and never drank an alcoholic beverage. I thought it was unfair for people to question my decisions when it came to this. Yes, I knew my baby was no longer living, I didn't want a D&C procedure, and I still wanted to baby my baby by making sure he or she was never exposed to anything that could cause harm while inside of me. Finally, as crazy as it drove me, I didn't want to force out my baby with a D&C. Some told me I was only hurting myself more by keeping the baby inside me. It sounds ludicrous, but at the time, I didn't feel any rush to stop my last piece of motherhood that I had at this moment. 

I never expected to wait so long for the miscarriage to come, but it took nearly three weeks. I was so confused with the long wait that I took precautions and got a second ultrasound. I battled this idea because I didn't want to reopen another wound, but I knew the worst thing they could tell me was news that I already knew. It was discovered that the baby was still very high in my uterus, which could be the reason why the process was taking so long. Later that week, I miscarried at work. I would be lying if I said I handled it well. However, I'd like to believe my support system and mental preparation eased the pain for this process. While at work, my co-workers who were near me took over my work, and encouraged me to take a few days off, which was so appreciative. I also spent a lot of time with other people during my miscarriage. Tyler and I spent time with friends, went to baseball games, did some soul searching, and did a lot of "us" time. Yes, most days took everything in me to get out of bed and proceed with my daily tasks, but I felt laying in bed in misery was not going to help my mental state. 

The day I graduated from grad school was one of my most profound days. Getting my Master's was so much more than a degree. I sat on the stage in tears realizing how far I had come, and this was one time in my life that I felt so unbelieveably proud of myself. I accomplished something that I felt was completely impossible. I felt like a damn Super Woman!  I worked full-time, went to school, and completed my internship, but most importantly, I made it through one of the most difficult times in my life; I made it through a second miscarriage. This day made anything seem possible and within reach. 

If I could reach out and help those who struggle with fertility and/or is dealing with a miscarriage, I would want them to know that the pain never goes away, so be prepared to cry for weeks, months, years after your miscarriage. Nonetheless, know that life does gets more bearable. Never be ashamed for mourning!!! Take as long as you need to mourn and grieve, and do it in your own, healthy way. Embrace and accept this pain. That sounds completely ignorant for me to even suggest, but I'm strong, and I credit my strength to all the pain and suffering I endured. I accept it because denying and putting it off would've never allowed me to fully heal.  Accept help. I felt as though I was a burden to those who offered to help, and I was too stubborn to accept help no matter how much I really needed it. Allow it! People want to help or they wouldn't offer their time. Moreover, just having people around to listen to you was so healing in itself. Which brings me to my next set of advice: Build a support group. When I needed strength, it was never too far away. My support group kept me going. Never, ever give up. Easier said than done, I know! This pain can be debilitating at times, and if allowed, it could hinder moving forward. Don't let the pain defeat you. I questioned why, why do we have to go through this. "Everything happens for a reason". This has always been my life's explanation. I don't know why we had to experience this, and I still believe it's not fair. I'm growing from this, I'm stronger because of this, I found a purpose in this, and I want to make something out of this situation. I want to help others, as a matter of fact, I've developed more of a passion to help those who go through infertility. Don't let this define you. I felt so less feminine and always put myself down for being infertile. I felt as though I couldn't accomplish why I was chosen to be a female. I had to end this thought process because I am more than just an infertile person. I'm a strong woman, who wants to help empower other women, and I am a mother! I'm a mother to babies who are in a beautiful place. Appreciate everything and everyone. I could not have asked for a better husband. If I had to go through all of this, I am so lucky to have him. He deserves the world, to be a father, and he will be a damn good one, one day. I fell in love with him more after going through all this, and we bonded significantly. Finally, celebrate your baby's life! Tyler and I released balloons on the anniversary of my first miscarriage and the day our second baby was due. It added closure for me. I'll never forget them, and I want them to know that I cherished every second with them, even if for a short amount of time.

My amazing friend, Sarah Schmidt, sent me an amazing message that she received from a friend after she experienced a miscarriage. She sent it to me soon after my second miscarriage. It was sooo meaningful and touching. One of the greatest gifts of being subjected to infertility and miscarriage, are the amazing people you meet and relate to. It tends to turn friendship into more of a sisterhood, a group of people who care and mourn together. I will share the last line of the message because it was so powerful and meant the world to me.  

     "As one who grieves today, I grieve with you, for whatever you lost, too, for what might have been."

 

Receiving my Master's ( I was asked to read a quote by Nelson Mandela in Tagalog)

First Round of IVF

Unexpectedly, life went on after our first miscarriage. I came out of that experience a new person, who saw life from a totally different perspective. I love more, have more passion, and I find more things to be thankful for. My continuous healing process seemed to take an eternity to even begin, but we had no other choice, life was to be had. Shortly after, Tyler was pressing on in the Rad Tech program and was accepted into the sonography program. I got into the University of Utah's Master's of Social Work Advanced Standing Program. Life was starting to pick up again, and we were ready to start IVF. 

 We were referred to a local fertility clinic, and I instantly loved the nurses. The cycle took so much longer than I expected. After starting medication, they found out I wasn't ovulating, then I wasn't responding to the shots like they expected. I was put on hold twice and was given birth control for a month to allow me to ovulate. At that time, that month-long wait was the hardest part, and what I thought was "the worst thing that could happen". Once the doctor felt I was ready, he noticed I still wasn't responding to the medication, as much as he wanted. I wasn't producing enough eggs, however, he felt there was enough to work off of. After almost three months of various medication, I was finally scheduling my egg retrieval and prospective transfer day! 

Those three days waiting to hear back about how many eggs fertilitized drove me crazy, but once I got the call, I was on cloud nine. They were only able to retrieve three eggs, and only two fertilized. Although I was hoping for five times that amount, it was still enough to transfer. I cried with joy, and made sure to have the three days post-egg transfer off from work. I think Tyler was way more nervous than I was about the transfer. I remember getting home from work to find that he rearranged our bedroom to have a mini fridge and plenty of snacks/gatorades accessible to me...it was seriously one of the cutest things. On transfer day, the two embryos were planted, and I was so ecstatic! I remember holding my lower belly, just wondering what was going on in there. Four days later, I started my grad program, probably the most anxious, yet excited student in attendance. 

Like all IVF patients, we had to wait almost two weeks to get tested to see if the transfer worked. I cried a lot during those days, pondering on all the possibilities. I snuck a pregnancy test on day 11, knowing day 12 I would get the "real test". My home pregnancy test was positive, which was such a relief. The following day, I got my blood work done, and headed to school, knowing it would take 2-3 hours to get the results. Let me tell you, 2-3 hours never felt so long before. I sat in class and stared at my phone, when finally the clinic called. The doctor asked if I was ready to hear the GOOD news. I was PREGNANT! I called Tyler, and went back to class after I cleaned my face from all the tears. 

After my wedding, the most magical day of my life was seeing our baby's heartbeat. Although two embryos were implanted, only one took. However, seeing and hearing that tiny heart pump was something I will never regret. In that quick moment, life made sense to me, and it was worth every second. My heart was full that day, and I still feel the emotions that were shared between Tyler and me. We bonded more that day, and the look he gave me after looking at the ultrasound was unforgettable. Tyler was very cautious with me throughout the weeks to come. We started to plan our life once the baby came, we came up with baby names for each gender, and we planned all the fun ways to tell our families. I received that disheartening book: "What to Expect When You're Expecting" from my work's Wee Care program, and I read it diligently. My pregnancy symptoms were present, and I loved every second of it. On July 2, 2013, our living room was full of all the silly gifts we were going to give our families to make our announcement on the 4th of July. We also Skyped my mother and sister about the big news, and Tyler bought a video camera to videotape our ultrasound the following morning. 

I embraced every second of this life I had. I was so impressed with modern medicine, and I felt so fortunate to have a supportive husband, who was willing to financially, emotionally, and physically support the next step in our life. I felt like a mother again, a feeling I have longed for. I was optimistic, and never expected anything to get in my way. I was so grateful to have made it this far, but anxious to meet our lil' baby. This was the life, this is what life is all about. Love overcame me, and during this time in my life, nothing else mattered. I was happy and in love.