Our infertility is the heaviest on my mind during the holiday season. I think about increasing our family and starting holiday traditions together, having the opportunity to teach them the power of giving to those who are in need, and the importance of love, family, and togetherness. Unfortunately, the last few holidays have brought me reminders of yet another failed year of trying to conceive. I have always been big on collecting ornaments from the Giving Tree and Sub for Santa because it allows me to remember my youth during the holidays, and all the wonderful people who were true blessings to my family. In addition, I discovered that being able to give back has helped fill the void that weighs heavy during this time of year. I told Tyler I wanted to do more this year to help me feel the Christmas spirit. I want to keep the tradition of taking Grandma Barbie to see Christmas, I want to do more with each other, friends, and family, I'll give canned food to the food bank, I want to take an ornament off the Giving Tree any time I see one rather than limiting it to one tree, I want to do random acts of kindness, etc. My amazing mother-in-law, Michelle, decided we aren't exchanging gift this year AT ALL...no exceptions! She wants to adopt a family to give gifts to instead, and I loved her more when she texted me this. 

I knew no amount of giving would get rid of my pain, but it has definitely lessened how I felt this time around. I had the wonderful opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with all of my siblings and mother. This is something we have not been able to do in years. Morgan and Zac also asked Tyler and me to babysit Drayze for a couple of days so they could leave town, and how could we say no to that offer?! Therefore, I was surrounded with laughter, smiles, reminiscing, and happiness for four days straight. I sat in my living room looking at all the beautiful people in our house, and thought to myself how lucky I am. 

Even facing so many disappointments, I can honestly say we had one of the most productive years so far. 2014 definitely threw us some curve balls, but all in all, I'm so grateful for what 2014 has brought us. The Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl, we bought a house, I got my Master's, got a job closer to home, Tyler is just about finished with school (finally!), and I feel like we are getting closer to figuring out this infertility business. I realized I have so much more to appreciate than I have ever realized recently. More than anything, I am grateful for family. They have helped us both get to the place of feeling at ease with where we are in life. I know ending the year, and starting 2015 with this feeling in my heart will only bring us more happiness and optimism when embarking on a new year. 

Our Molyneaux family! We don't get to see them as much, but they never fail to support us. Thank you for being so willing to do more than expected to help us fulfill our dreams. We love you guys and appreciate your efforts!!

Our Davidson famdamly...I felt like a creeper hunting down pictures of you all. We all spend so much time together, yet there's not an updated picture with all of us! Regardless, we love each one of you. You all share such an optimistic attitude, and the Davidsons stick together through everything. You guys are always there for us. Having all of you in our lives means so much, and we could not be more thankful for the example you are to us. 

It amazes me how much a little spirit can change someone's life. I am soooo grateful that Morgan and Zac allow me to watch this little guy every Monday. Spending time with him has taught me so much and lets me be grateful for all I have. He inspires me to do more and to never give up on my dream of being a mommy. Thank you, Drizzy Drayze, for being my little buddy. I love you so much. 

A Brown family Thanksgiving

My hitta, my hitta, LB. 

My youngbuck, Killer Kyle

My ride or die, Debbie (just kidding Debo)

My ball of rice aka my main, Gless

My exotic lady, AmBRO

Okay, I rarely post pictures like this, but look at her face. It still cracks me up. She wants to kill us, but she will smile anyway!

      

Beginning: Our first miscarriage.

After several failed pregnany tests, I finally decided to see a doctor to figure out why I wasn't pregnant yet. This was about August/September 2011. I was at the doctor's about two or three times a month for the next three months doing various test, which were supposed to figure out my fertility status. I remember leaving the office every time in tears because I wasn't getting the results I wanted to hear. Then, at my final visit, the doctor came in with information about In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). My heart sank because I knew he was trying to tell me I would never have children on my own due to my dysfunctional Fallopian tubes and having slight endometriosis. I also remember the thought of never being able to afford such a procedure because my older sister also had to do IVF and the cost was outrageous. For the next few months, I felt jealousy, anger, hurt, and all the above when I would see pregnant women, previously something I admired seeing. It wasn't fair. I felt guilty that Tyler had to go through this with me. Gosh, I wanted him to be a father more than I wanted to be a mother. I always knew I was going to be a mother one day, but why did we have to go through such measures to accomplish this dream? Infertility remains heavy on my mind. What a selfish and inconsiderate condition, that rips dreams away, changes lives, makes people feel so incompetent, and requires at times unaffordable expenses. I hated being considered infertile, which is exactly why I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't let Infertility win this battle.

It's been two years and I still cry over my first miscarriage. My menstral cycles have never been regular, so when I skip a month, it was never alarming to me. However, this time my skipped cycle was different. It was paired with back pains, nausea, fatigue, and more than anything tender breasts. I joked with Tyler about being pregnant, and I even downloaded a frivolous app that scanned my thumb to predict if I was pregnant or not. Results=pregnant! We laughed about it; what a nonsensical tool. I looked up pregnancy symptoms just to keep Tyler laughing, but we were quickly silenced when all the symptoms matched the ones I was feeling. Tyler told me to take another pregnancy test. I  struggled with the idea because I was let down by so many in the past. The next morning, I woke up, held in my urine (I knew morning urine was most accurate), went to Wal-Mart and bought the stick. For the first time, a beautiful + symbol slowly appeared. We accomplished something that the doctor didn"t think was possible. I took a picture and sent it to Tyler with tears in my eyes. He called me just estatic! The next two weeks were spent with Tyler being overly causcious about what I ate or did throughout the day. We never mentioned anything to our family, but we thought of all the fun ways we could announce our news. We scheduled a doctor's appointment, but we never made it in.

On November 11, 2012 we celebrated the life of Tyler's Great-grandmother Peterson, who passed away the week prior. We sat surrounded by Tyler's family, some I had never met. Tyler was so excited to see his relatives who he had not seen in years. As much as I wanted to be there, I knew something wasn't right. I sat in excrutiating pain and noticed blood. Tyler never knew the extent of what I was feeling because I wanted to be there, I wanted him to be there, and I knew he would make us leave if he knew. Also, deep down, I knew what the results might have been, and I wasn't ready to accept it. After the burial, I burst into tears, and finally told him what was going on. We were supposed to meet at his mother's house and spent time with his extended family, but he took me to the emergency room instead. There, they did tests and determined that I was 8 weeks pregnant. They told me not to worry too much because a miscarriage would produce heavy blood, which I didn't have. Finally, the sonographer arrived and did my ultrasound. We went in with the biggest grins, but left sick to our stomachs and teary eyed. We sat in the room in silence waiting for the doctor to come back. He came in, and I saw it in his face. Ectopic pregnancy. "It could burst, and you would bleed and die. We have to remove it immediately." I cried harder than I cried in a long time, and Tyler just held me in silence. I knew he was hurting too. Bleed and die or continue on this infertility journey? I didn't know which would be worse.

They hooked me up to tubes and prepped me for surgery-my first surgery. Some nurses held me while I cried, and others tried to joke to relieve any worry. I was scared, angry, heartbroken. I was denied when I asked if Tyler could go in with me; I didn't want to be alone. I told Tyler not to tell anyone because I was too ashamed, and I knew everyone would be worried and mournful. I woke up hooked to a machine and saw Tyler's mother in tears. I was in the hospital overnight, and the doctor came in informing us that they removed the embryo as well as my right Fallopian tube (my only tube that was at least somewhat functional, up until my ectopic pregnancy). I was devastated. I didn't know what to do next or how to move on. I missed being pregnant instantly. Our unborn baby brought me so much joy, happiness, hope, and love. I was so surprised by how much love and how bonded I could feel to something inside of me before even seeing it. Before too long, I received calls and texts from my family, Tyler's family, and I received a priesthood blessing from Uncle Ian. My sister came up to be there for us. We received dinners from Aunt Leesa and Uncle Anthony. The love and support was so comforting, but no effort ended my pain.

Thankfully, it was a holiday weekend, which gave me an extra day off work. The following Tuesday, I put on a brave face and walked into work. As I look back, I'm grateful that Tyler made me take a pregnancy test. I would've confused my pain and bleeding as a menstral period, and I could've been in more trouble. The love and support that was offered meant so much to me. We had people crying and praying for us. We are so blessed to be able to feel so much love. Just knowing others care so much for you is overwhelmingly appreciated.

This miscarriage changed me, matured me, made me realize how much more there is to life, and most importantly, made me a mother. My baby, our baby had wings. Although I cannot hold my baby in my arms, my baby will always be with me. My baby was apart of me, even if for a short amount of time, and I will be forever grateful to my baby for bringing me so much and the short time we spent together.

Plan B

I do laundry once a week, and I make sure to check all of Tyler's pockets. It never fails that I will find at least four of his "to do" lists that he creates for himself daily. Some lists even consist of the times in which he plans to complete each task, and the priority of each task. I always laugh when I find his anticipated lists because, well, we're planners. We both enjoy knowing what we need to do next and what needs to be done. I titled our blog "Davidsons living in plan b"  (no, it has nothing to do with contraception). After getting married, we could've mapped out our life. We had plans that were to be followed through. Obviously, it was a complete shock when we found out we weren't going to be able to fulfill these "plans" accordingly. I remember after that doctor's visit, I read a sign that was almost too perfect. "Life Is All About How You Handle 'Plan B'". Now that our 'plan a' was slowly disintegrating, I knew we had to stop planning so diligently and let "plan b" take its course. My life now is nowhere I expected it to be, and at times it drives me crazy not knowing what to expect next. However, it is the life Tyler and I were given, and we have to take advantage of the unknown and create faith in it.   

Meet the Davidsons

I'm Jenilee Joanna Davidson. 10% of the people in my life call me Jenilee, another 10% call me Joanna, and 80% have made up some random nickname for me. My adorable husband is Tyler John Davidson. Rather than write paragraphs about us, I'm going to copy what Morgan Diamond did. Here's a list of 20 random things about me, Tyler, and us. 

ME:

1. I was born and raised in Washington state

2. I moved to Utah after high school and hated it until I met Tyler

3. I love oceans (mostly the scenery and sound of waves)

4. I received my Master's in Social Work from the University of Utah in 2014

5. Seahawks and Mariners!

6. I'm half black and half filipina 

7. I have a dachshund, named Dixie

8. I love crafts

9. Coffee, tea, and wine are my beverages of choice

10. I love traveling, especially with Tyler on a plane

11. I used to hate reading, now I LOVE it

12. I work with adolescents in the juvenile justice system

13. I have the best family (in-laws included)

14. I was born in the back of a Nova car on the way to the hospital (Hewitt Avenue)

15. My mother has been single my whole life and raised us alone

16. I have three biological siblings and seven sibling in-laws

17. Fall is my favorite time of year

18. I'm short, but I don't mind my size

19. I can only shop for about 45 min-1 hour before I'm bored

20. I'm not a morning person, but it has been my goal to be one

TYLER:

1. Hunter and fisherman

2. Very athletic and his life revolves around sports

3. Broncos and Dodgers

4. Mr. organized

5. He has terrible anxiety

6. Hates being on planes

7. He's a professional student

8. For work, he does X-Rays and Ultrasounds

9. He has a black lab, named Deacon

10. He has gorgeous green eyes with long eyelashes 

11. He's been shot in the leg by his now cousin

12. He has broken his nose four times, the last time was while he was sleeping

13. Very dedicated to his work and family 

14. He drinks way too much Dr. Pepper or Mt. Dew a day

15. He cannot sit around, he is always doing something

16. He's a small-town guy, who hates cities

17. Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday

18. If he's hungry, don't get in his way

19. His dream vacation is to fish in Alaska

20. Kids will always gravitate to him over me

US: 

1. We met in St. George

2. For Tyler, it was love at first sight; for Jenilee he was an easy target to make fun of

3. The first thing we realized we had in common was we LOVE football

4. The second thing we realized we had in common was we like cold weather because it's an excuse to cuddle (which later turned into an inside joke for us)

5. During Super Bowl XLVIII, we spent it as rivals (It was a Seahawk victory in case you missed it)

6. We bought our first house in June 2014 as young 25 year olds

7. We have the most beautiful niece and nephew (Ava and Drayze)

8. Combined, we will have a total of 14 years of college, yet neither of us are doctors

9. Our favorite thing to do together is attend sporting events...no matter the sport

10. We met each other in bathing suits

11. We love seeing movies together

12. Other than sports, the only TV shows we mutually enjoy are Modern Family, That 70s Show, and Friends

13. Education is a huge priority

14. The only team we can agree on is the University of Utah (unless they play the University of Washington)

15. We enjoy long car rides (Jenilee goes for scenery, Tyler goes to look for deer/ducks)

16. On our honeymoon, we went to the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona

17. Each time we have travelled somewhere we have ended up going to a game

18. The past 4 years we have had three failed pregnancies and one failed adoption

19. We are resilient and will not give up on our dream of being parents

20. After each tragedy that occurs, we grow closer, accept challenges, and fall deeper in love

Introduction to this blog

Finally, it's here! I have been encouraged to make a blog and let loose about our story. My biggest motivator to create this blog is one of my best friends, my sister-in-law, Morgan Diamond. Therefore, Morg, you better be our biggest fan. I held off so long on creating this blog because 1) I didn't know where to start, and 2) I didn't think our story was that significant. When I asked Morgan "where do I start?" She replied, "Start with why you began your blog". Here goes: I am beginning this blog because I need to for us. Us as in Tyler, our future children, those who have or are currently struggling with the same battle, and, of course, myself. Due to Tyler and me desiring to be adventurous, I will also include activities that we do on our spare time to get through our hectic life.

The battle that Tyler and I are currently working through is the misfortune of infertility.  Ask me about infertility five years ago, and I would've been able to talk about only a select few people I have met who have been trying to conceive. I would've been able to talk about it without any compassion. I could only speak of it for a quick second, without getting emotional just using the word "infertile". I knew nothing about infertility, better yet, I NEVER saw infertility in my near future. As we maneuver   our way through our misfortunes, I question whether or not they are really "misfortunes"...

Buckle up, this is our story.